On Some Women

I am not like them
We will never be equal
I do not project my insecurities unto other people
Or validate myself with half truths and cheap men
Head up legs closed eyes open
I am better than them
Their success is their vengeance
But spite is the seed of their demise
I have been accused of being pretentious
Of which I have never denied
Because the truth remains
I am not like them
We have never been the same

Progress is not bringing better women down with you
It is improving even when everyone’s standards are low

The World

The primacy of being last
affords me a distance in the present
that presents an intimacy with your past
Which has imaged the future In a thousand shards of glass
Reflecting back through the lenses
Deflected by smoke
Imaginings reflected in
mirror images of the opposite-ness that magnetizes us
Pragmatize the madness and watch
what’s passed between our exchanges burn


Smoke curling up above my shoulder
We have only what we’ve earned
So our hearts grow colder
Yet we won’t forsake what we’ve learned.
The weight
On either side of your nape
Heavy as a boulder – wait.

Let’s let the world turn tonight.

If you can’t rest it from your back and get Us back – relax.
Let what’s had, do have, and yet to get, transact
and react when the mourning comes.

Let’s let the world burn tonight

… there’s a heat from your gaze
when you see yourself in me
as I dare not be afraid
I love you. You spread your courage like a plague
And slay cowards with it at an inkling of their hesitation
It’s not ironic
Our closeness is bred through separation


They let idle hands wander the borders of Dorian’s portrait
Where you dare share light upon shadows
I reflect back like mirrored glass to expose it
Our lenses deflect the truth of the matter
Our minds happen to presuppose it

Let’s let the world be tonight

Neither of us can hold it


Fire swallows the void between us
So never mind the coldness
We have what we’ve earned
And no illusion can revoke it


If you
See me
Seeing myself
In you
Know that:
We have tonight
Come morning
the world gets you back.


Let’s leave this world tonight.

you probably WON'T read this

…knowing it would be flawed
Even the beauty of birth leaves its scars
So indeed poverty raises them hard
Roughing the edges so even kind words leave marks

But isn’t that why?
…why we bate our breath
and wait, healing from the superficial pretence
in order to sense

that kindness - that might’ve been said in sharpness?
that lightness - disguised in false expectations of darkness?

A heart is - - - as much flawed as a mis-thought
presuming egg shell slippers would cushion souls when the frying pan’s hot
in attempt to protect, each step crushes as you listen
so now in reality its hot - you run the fuck out the kitchen

at a break neck speed, like the walls your heart erects
to store away – preserve – hide behind
that cowardice, to be used at a later time
cause the risk of getting burned by your own shallowness
was fear enough for your heart to re-route your mind’s eye

from seeing that
rough-edged pages might have lines confessing
powerlessness, or
temporary vulnerability doesn't equal affectionless-ness
and previous scars don’t predicate my consequences
to how you behave but they merely adjust my lenses

so I might see a tattered sheet, not judging by the cover
but reading in between
the lines and confessions - blueprinting good intentions
that no matter how seemingly obtuse
pave a road through hell, not to

so despite the flaws, tears, and hell fires
risks of heartbreaks, walls tumbled, kind liars
weeping endures a night but joy cometh in the morn’
like out of a clear mind learnt from heart-tattered-flaws,
lovers that walk through - beside you - are born

no beauty without sacrifice
but this will be hard for your eyes to behold

since you probably can’t read this
still healing from paper cuts behind
walls erected as consequences of mis-thoughts
mistrusts
running on egg shells to or from what
you know not
not knowing what you want, blind to the love you got and what it is

so... you probable won’t read this.

Affect and Influence (Last Confessions)

Sep.30.09

There exists, in the fluidity of collected subconscious, a measure of synchronicity and patterning that comprises the very flow of conscious thought. That which entails our reality is affectable - plastic to the extent our neural networks are. Recently, days have passed seemingly as webs reminding that:
new beginnings do not exist without new endings.
real can not truly be understood in the absence of fake.
God is inescapably present to us, not just that we are present to God.


It is important to notice the patterns occuring dring transistional seasons.

- The posturing that traps one in cyclic perceptions of reality is the very same posture one seeks comfort in to preserve self-identities (especially those identities incongruent with reality).

- God finds us and is never absent from us. This becomes known to us when we're ready to look. Remember when you love say not "God is in my heart" but rather "I am in the heart of God".

- Many ideas that can be extrapolated to dichotomic extremes in theory are useful to help understand, but possibly dangerous to apply - life is process, and is more dynamic, changing, influential and influenced than can be found in the "black half" or "white half" of any duality.

- Nurturance - maternity - security seeking - lonliness avoiding - affection hunger - sympathy and care are all constants of a Servant's personhood... Denying that these exist in oneself, or denying that accepting this embeds a deeper humility that allows one to serve God, can be dangerous and futile.

- The shift from an active observer of one's own life to the active participation/interaction with life itself entitles one to a great power & results from conscious effort for progress... thus this also entails and no less requires great responsibility.

- A Believer, in their very service of believing, volunteers a level of participation that empowers, enlightens, and influences. For a Servant to serve (and indeed be of service) he must be empowered, enlightened, and influential.

- Mind the company you keep - do not be quick to presume that the very reason of your relationship is knowable in the present or that knowing it is ever meant to be... Mind what you say out of love to those in your company - the selfish satisfaction of being the best you can be at every oppourtunity for honesty may not result in the effects you intend, and can be recieved as opposite to whatever goodness you might've intended.

Be big enough a person to be:
Silent until you know HOW you're being heard.
Absent until you understand the extent your presence affects.
Humble so that those who have something you can learn from can have the chance to teach it to you.
Honest to yourself, about yourself, unconditionally.

Grey Screen

It hasn't faded in a way I think you can imagine
more like time flying when entranced with good company
or how the sky fades into ocean at sunrise
blurring the division
No television pixelation – gigabytes on disk space
high definition distraction could allegorize

It hasn't faded like the end
of a good song distorted through dead speakers

or like imagination reporting memories never experienced
to empathize with your favorite prime-time characters

It is not a visually displayable gradient
Life is lived in the grey but
these fine lines can not be traced
not by a remote cursor

It resists representation
(that's the product of this commercial)
Between the lines this diminish-ment
silencing – disappearance – gradual influx
not sensed but felt
not attention seeking
but perception avoiding

Passive-aggressive Alpha assertion of the reality that
assumes the space available
during non-applicable commercial breaks
this message has been brought to you by: ME

It is fading
like this sheet at a distance
from white to ____

from pure to ____
from love to ____

To My Pride

Dear pride,
i need you
i wouldnt trade you for anything (that's been true)
they said you're my greatest weakness (impossible)

standard deviations above the above average
who dick boast whilst comparatively impotent
its infinite - my potential
limits approach infinity
inverse parabolic along
axis of symmetry that divide
real pride from that of fools

Cause having you is what pulled me thru
the obstacles i've been dealt
which is why i aint ever played myself
instead i've doubled-up
niggas have the nerve to brag loud
my lips sealed, walk with my chest out
why converse when i live what they merely chirp about

and it's without a doubt
that having you retains focus
like light on fovea,
genetic codes on locus
no wonder you're indispensable
evolutionarily superior so without you
i'd be hope-less
-ly similar to those that imitate me
who themselves are inferior
like convex lenses to myopic eyes
useless - like seeing a picture of money
when you keep on your grind
my money is like my time
i'm too proud to be wasteful
won't get to swallowing cause
compromise is distasteful

Chess and Insomnia

The 18th Confession to myself

Dear Linda,

You can see that people have masks that they interchangeably portray, and you can see that in yourself. Remember, you have lenses through which you can see, while many only know how to look with Their Eyes. You afford for yourself the perspective you take; if you do not see something correctly and mis-judge others, you make it more than obvious what your weaknesses are. Your understanding of your reality IS REAL, as are your over-estimations/ disappointments/ power/ influence/ frailties.

Take what you have learned and do not repeat your history and lead yourself in a circle as some honorable self-sacrifice for those you're willing to make excuses for (even if they're worth it). Time is not linear; the longer you repeat your mistakes the farther you misguide your potential from what you can (and must) accomplish later.

Namely, do not run. Your absence does not save anyone from your demons. If you know the weakness of others, and can play it to make them feel as though they've won something, let it not be because you sought some glory for it. You are winning even when you let others believe you've lost and you do not need anyone to know it nor anything to affirm it. Hold to what you believe, in yourself and in God - play chess for what can be learnt and you will win for you know Who will be watching.

Love is not some metaphorical battlefield, we are not soldiers, your heart (or pieces of it) can not be buried (or resurrected). These are poetic allegories your mind conjures to follow the dichotomy of love that you've been taught you can not move past. Where there is war there is an enemy, an "other"... a perpetrator and a victim. If you have the foresight to analyze this of yourself, than you have the mind/will power to know that entertaining these notions will defer your progress and wealth in EVERY way.

Do not use time or money as currency of your wealth when it comes to love. Do not accept time, wealth, or money as your price for your love. Real foresight, real investment, real love is living and growing when those that matter to you are healthy, happy, productive and closer to God - including yourself.

Accept that your mind may not know the answers it is not ready to know/behold. Keep your faith in God, for everything you have ever asked for has been granted. Think of God when you lose your patience or your temper... and for the Love of God, PRAY.

Those that love you will understand and appreciate your presence as well as your absence. Love with your Self in the heart of God for IF those you love now were meant to walk beside you, they will not run either; but if they were meant to adorn your path, accept it. Not doing so will cost you all you currently stand for, everything you've not run from, and everything you are striving towards. If those implicated in this statement do not know that it is they you are referring to, or can not afford being beside you given how long a path you're walking, whether YOU like it or not, love DOES NOT APPLY to THAT person.

You are spreading yourself thin. It's true that the things/ones you lose sleep and appetite over are incomparable and crucial to your progress/happiness now; but the thinner/ further/ longer you stretch, the less of you will there be left to accomplish the goals you are preparing yourself to attain. Follow the advice you would give to others - take care of self for your self to care for others.

Please know that it has taken heart and sincerity to honestly write this letter... and all I've said, though seemingly harsh, I sincerely mean for your benefit alone.


With love and sincerity,
Linda

17 Confessions

Originally written on Aug.3.09

Every few phases in life, I open a blank page in an empty notebook and I write. At this and other things important to me, I have never been consistent.

When confronted with the fear of failure, I have consolidated and minimized my perceived talents and as a result: I lack the ability to gauge my capabilities.

I do not have a Moleskin. I found this book in my library and recognized my father's writing; I have, since his death, avoided confronting myself for sometimes forgetting that I'm not just my mother's daughter.

I do not trust my ability to warn myself when I'm slipping - I'm too good at reinterpreting excuses for my actions... especially in defense of defending others'.

Self-entitlement is not a necessary evil of accomplishment.

My absence does not save anyone from my demons; in not applying this I have instead used it to excuse my inability to face that which I am ashamed.

I seldom re-read entries I have written. When I have, I seldom recognize the writer... This is not always an indicator of progress.

I am aging... yet I still put off. Habits are beginning to become traits.

I do not know how to get where I need to be - and I spend more time than I can afford reassuring myself that it is normal, despite being unforgiving of normalcy in others.

i over-analyze/criticize myself to the point of doubt. When in doubt I have, in the past, sabotaged myself.
I base a lot of my understandings on a hit-and-miss system of perceptions that are completely subjective and may not be real/true/useful/applicabl

e.

I have not grown as a writer or a speaker - and am yet to take this challenge seriously despite wanting to.

I put other peoples' desire above my own - in some twisted, self-sacrificing way I feel justified in giving... this too has been an excuse for my actions.

I suspect many of people's kinds deeds are self-serving sacrifices... compromises that validate some inherent image they see of themselves. Basically, that which I am personally guilty of.

Many of my early memories are themed in the reactions of others either 'not getting' or 'losing'.

Music moves me the way it does because I admire the ability to say so much, so creatively in so little time.

My death instinct, like my life instinct, is hyperactive... sometimes disturbingly more so.

Free Style

Industry instrumental Jadakiss "what if?"

...what if you never been places you needed to go? what if you get there and learnt 'em as you go? what if is the question for the T dot O.

What if the story of my life wasn't really true?
What if Viet's in Jane and Finch all pulled thru
...and listened to their moms to bring themselves off block?
what if instead of the switchblade i had held a glock?

what if all girls was like me and niggas couldnt get laid?
what if we respected ourselves and worked to get paid?
what if the gospel of the hustle wasnt written in blood?

and a red flag was just fabric in your pocket?
gangs wouldnt divide us - cryps wouldnta cocked it

and my niggas neva blazed back from the car
our faces gracing the front page of the Star

what if instead of turning my cheek
i had let that man chop me
and been a mother at 15?
father locked down in Don over some drug beef
would my child have lived to be a victim of these streets?

They say education frees our mind but education aint free
what if i managed a grow-op just to pay UofT?
and got expelled when SWAT swept it up?
what if after my father died, my mother just gave up?

What if you saw me and instead of thinking sex
Listened to me speak and conversed with an ounce of respect?
What if instead of rating yourself by the dollar or the fuck
you thought with your head, not your dick or your lust?
what if I didn't stop spitting when they said “that's enough!”?

what if this verse could really measure how far we've come?
and inspired a youth to change a pen for his gun
what if...

Industry instrumental Jay-z "song cry"

Let me get Deep on this beat
Different than How you used to
Known for being poetic Didn’t know she had flow too
But she illustrate epiphanies In soliloquies
Type of virtue that make Kings crown her queen
Cos its not hard to see When you unmasks these snakes
That reality to men Is relative to they weight
Not pounds more like rounds
Think shorty come around
Cause you rolling BM’s – keepin stacks and tings?
Seeking dimes - hot gals as possessions to acquire
A hoe to your environment since ya identity for hire
But hide behind the heat from that fire
Only she know –tecks is extensions of imperfection
So like how seeds fight gravity to reach heights and move up
Snakes seek out depravity stay low - call themselves tough
But behind that front - snakes fear upright mobility
Like how pussies always fear hostility

Trackrecord

It isn't hard to tell. Precisely because of that, it also isn't easy to find... Oh, but uh don't let me talk about myself and my writing all night either (I hate writers that do that).

I started this spot so that I might give myself a more accessible place to store away the few inspirational words that cross my mind.

If all goes as it has in the past (all sources indicate that the track-record is shitty at best) than I won't be doing this long. If this goes as I wish presently, it will be a new track-record keeper for me to review at year's end.

**crosses fingers** Picking a spot to start gives you a position to improve upon...